relationships. sorry for formatting

‘The%Three%Most%Important%Things%No%One%Ever%Told%You About%Committed%Relationships’ By%Glenn%Burdick,%MA,%LMSW Ann%Arbor,%MI http://glennburdick.com/marriage6relationship6coaching.html Facebook:! There!is!an!astonishing!lack!of!understanding!about!how!to!have!a!committed! relationship!or!marriage!succeed,!grow!and!thrive.!We!know!a!lot!about!running!a! business!or!profession!or!trade,!maintaining!and!repairing!machines,!tweeting!and! communicating!with!others!all!over!the!world.!We!know!very!little!about!what! makes!a!committed,!intimate!relationship!really!work,!really!deliver!on!its!promise! over!a!long!span!of!time.!Yet,!most!of!us!expect!the!greatest!sense!of!satisfaction!and! fulfillment!in!life!to!come!from!exactly!these!relationships.!What’s!up!with!that? We!have!all!heard!fundamental truths!like,!‘marriage!is!hard!work…you!have!to! work!at!it.’!Then!there!are!all!the!‘tips!and!tricks’,!such!as,!‘never!go!to!bed!angry’.! Both!of!these!are!useful!things!to!know.!However,!armed!with!this!information,!and! the!best!of!intentions,!we!have!a!divorce!rate!of!50%!in!this!country!!The!divorce! rate!is!the!highest!for!couples!in!the!first!few!years!of!marriage,!but!it!includes!all! socioeconomic!categories,!levels!of!education!and!income,!ethnicities!and!religions.! You!could!make!the!case!that!marriages!that!begin!with!real!romantic!love!do!no! better!than!arranged!marriages,!perhaps!worse. Highly!educated!people, less! educated!people,!wealthy!people,!people!with!limited!financial!resources,!religious! people,!and!atheists…everybody!seems!to!be!struggling!with!marriage/committed! partnership.!The!amount!of!frustration!and!heartbreak!involved,!the!toll!on!children, and!the!cost!of!divorce!in!economic!terms!is!huge.!We!need!life6changing!knowledge,! the!tools!to!turn!this!situation!around,!and!the!will!to!do!so.!I!try!to!do!my!part!in!the! work!I!do!with!couples,!and!with!my!own!partner!in!my!personal!life.!But,!even! being!a!professional!with!thirty!years!of!experience!helping!couples!does!not!make! one!exempt!from!how!challenging!it!can!be at!times!(sorry,!just!getting!a!graduate! degree!won’t!fix!this!for!you!either)!!All!of!us!human!beings!need!to!have!the!right! understanding,!enought!self6awareness!and!humility,!and!a!strong!desire!to!be! connected!to!our!partner!over!time.!Then!something!really!remarkable!can!happen. Since!you!are!reading!this!article!its!likely!that!you!are!at!least!a!little!curious!as!to! why!your!partner!seems!so!unable!to!consistently!give!you!what!you!need.!After!all,! you!have!told!them!so!many!times!over!so!many!months!or!years!what!they!are! doing!wrong!and!how!to!do!you!right,!and!they!have!really!underwhelmed!you!with what!a!poor!showing!they’ve!made.!That!can!become!overwhelmingly!frustrating (oddly!enough,!our!partner!may!be!feeling!the!same!way!about!us!).!It!just!doesn’t! make!sense,!does!it?!Don’t!they!understand!how!incredibly!important!this!is!to!you?! Do!you!feel!me!here? What!is!it!that!we!don’t!know!that!might!explain!why!so!many!couples!break!up!or! live!together!unhappily? Fortunately!for!all!of!us!there!are!have!been!some!very! bright,!curious,!determined!and!talented!teachers,!researchers,!and!clinicians!out! there!blazing!the!trail!for!us.!This!is!a!brief!article!on!a!topic!that!an!entire!book! could!be!based!upon,!but!I!want!to!point!out!three!very!powerful!understandings! that!have!come!to!light.!Understanding!these!and!learning!to!put!them!into!practice! in!your!life!is!truly!transforming. 1.!‘You!can!be!right…or!you!can!be!married!’ Harville!Hendrix,!PhD!is!best!known!for!having!penned!the!book!‘Getting!The!Love! You!Want’,!founding!in!the!process!Imago!Therapy,!and!for!being!one!of!Oprah’s!top! 20!most!influential!guests!of!all!time. When!I!wanted!to!learn!more!about!helping! couples!I!participated!in!his!yearlong!training.!Dr.!Hendrix!came!to!certain!profound! insights!about!committed!partnerships,!in!part,!as!a!result!of!the!upset!he!felt!at!his! first!marriage!ending!in!divorce.!Along!the!way!he!discovered!some!really! interesting!and!critically!important!things!about!committed!partnerships.!One! profound!understanding!is!summed!up!in!one!of!his!favorite!quips ‘you!can!be! right…or!you!can!be!married!’!Now,!that’s!deep! The!truth!of!that!is!immediately! obvious!to!most!of!us!when!we!hear!that,!and!can!make!us!feel!a!bit!embarrassed.!It! points!to!something!every!single!human!being!wants!to!do…to!be!right,!prove!our! individuality,!stand!up!for!ourselves,!fight!unfairness!when!we!feel!we!are!being! misunderstood!or!mischaracterized,!someone!not!getting!who!we!really!are,!what’s! really!true!about!us.!Ever!react!that!way?!Me!too.!How’s!that!working!for!you?!Have! you!ever!noticed!what!a!colossal!failure!getting!defensive!and/or!interrupting!your! partner!midstream!is!as!a!strategy!for!getting!them!to!hear!you!and!respect!you,!and! vice!versa?!Proving.your.partner.wrong.will.immediately.make.you.wrong.in.their. eyes.!They!will!not!appreciate!your!efforts,!even!if!you!are!trying!to!be!helpful,!if!they! feel!you!are!set!on!making!them!wrong!for!thinking!and!feeling!the!way!they!are.! Yes,!it!is!very!important!for!us!to!be!and!feel!heard,!understood,!validated,! respected.!That!will!only!happen!if!we!learn!to!communicate!with!our!partner!with! patience,!humility,!and!real!interest!in!how!they are!thinking!and!feeling,!even!when! it!differs!from!our!perceptions,!thoughts!and!feelings.!What!we!need,!more!than! being!right!is!to!be!connected,!intimately!connected,!with!our!significant!other.!We. need.the.sense.of.emotional.safety.and.intimacy.that.only.comes.when.we.have.been. patiently.and.accurately.heard,.respectfully.understood,.and.genuinely.empathized. with.by.our.partner.in.the.moment.of.expressing.significant.frustration,.concern,.hurt. feelings..Getting.defensive.with.our.partner.will.be.one.of.the.most.upsetting.things.of. all.to.our.partner. 2.!Our!partner!needs!us!to!‘have!their!back’!and!we!need!them!to!‘have!ours’.! This!is!the!second!of!‘three!things’…it’s!awfully!hard!to!believe!your!partner!has! your!back!If!they!seem!comfortable!with!or!uncaring!about!your!suffering,!and!vice! versa.!Each!times!it!seems!that!way!to!us!our!heart!will!close!just!a!little!bit!more.! This!is!also!one!of!the!consequences!of!proving!one’s!partner!wrong…they!will!be! left!wondering!if!their!wants!and!needs!really!matter!to!you,!if!they!really!are!that! significant!to!you. This!understanding!has!evolved!through!the!study!of!human! development,!and!is!a!foundation!in!the!work!of!Sue!Anderson,!PhD,!and!other!key! researchers!in!involved!in!the!development!of!Emotionally!Focused!Therapy.!In!a! nutshell,!the!understanding!is!that!human!beings!need!to!have!someone!who!has! their!back,!or!they!will!feel!very!insecure,!and!unsafe…it!feels!like!a!survival! requirement.!When!this!doesn’t!seem!to!be!happening!it!makes!us!very!concerned,!if! not!alarmed.!If!it’s!called!into!question!a!number!of!times,!it!can!become!a!real!‘deal! breaker’!in!a!family!system!or!partnership.!This!leads!us!right!into!the!‘third!thing’. 3.!We!need!to!know!how!we!‘live’!inside!our!partner,!how!they!really!feel! about!us!in!the!privacy!of!their!own!inner!world.!Do!they!miss!us,!think!fondly!of! us,!or!not!at!all?!If!only!we!could!read!their!mind!at!different!times!of!day!we!would really!know!where!we!stood!with!them.!We!would!know!if!we!should!really!trust! them,!that!they!will!always!have!our!back!because!we!are!that!important!to!them,! central!to!them!in!importance,!truly!valued!in!the!way!we!need!to!be!valued.!We! would!know!that,!despite!their!being!inattentive,!tired,!absentminded!at!times,!they! really!do!care!enough!that!our!emotional!well6being!and!vulnerability!is!well!placed! with!them.!Sadly!(or!not),!we!cannot!read!their!mind!and!they!can’t!read!ours.!That! means!we!can!only!depend!upon!communication!to!know!these!things,!to!find!out! what’s!really!true!when!it!seems!like!a!fact!that!we!are!not!that!important!to!them.!If! we!approach!our!partner!in!a!way!that!puts!them!immediately!on!the!defensive,! their!defensive!reaction!will!seem!to!confirm!to!us!that!our!worst!fears!are!true.!We! will!believe!they!don’t!and!won’t!have!our!back,!and!our!level!of!upset!will!escalate. It!is!so!incredibly!easy!to!feel!defensive,!isn’t!it?!When!we!feel!defensive!might!feel! sad!and!withdraw,!or!feel!angry!and!blaming.!We!will!have!two!defensive!people,! two!people!feeling!that!their!needs!are!unimportant!to!the!other.!Two!people!who! feel!emotionally!unsafe!and!insignificant.!But,!normal,!everyday!communication!will! not!work!for!us!when!we!are!feeling!defensive.!I’ll!have!a!lot!more!to!say!about!this! topic!in!my!next!article,!so!please!make!sure!to!get!on!my!email!list!if!you!got!this! article!by!some!other!route.!It’s!my!intention!to!get!a!lot!more!information!to!you,! the!kind!of!information!you!don’t!run!into!everyday,!potentially!life!changing! information.!In!the!meantime,!I!invite!you!to!notice!when!and!how!YOU!get! defensive,!what!effect!that!has!on!your!ability!to!communicate,!to!listen!to!your! partner,!to!act. Glenn!Burdick,!MA,!LMSW Ann!Arbor,!MI!USA glenn@glennburdick.com